Two and a half years. It feels strange dipping into this blog that time forgot.
I have been semi-off of social media for the past couple of weeks, which allowed me to start thinking more coherently, instead of the bursts of thought that I usually get. I have wanted to get back into blogging for a very long time, but I couldn't get my head clear enough to write a post.
Plus, I didn't want to use this site.
The person who created this site and the
girl woman writing this entry seem very different. They certainly feel different. I can't relate to the voice I used before. She was superficial and just wanted attention. She was just a mask.
Then the mask came off.
She had to go through an intense emotional struggle, with too many eyes looking on. It wasn't the kind of attention she wanted. It was like that horrible cliche nightmare where you find yourself standing naked on stage with all of your friends and family members watching.
That was five years ago.
I want to say that I've moved on and in a lot of ways I have. I'm quite happy and content with my life right now, but sometimes my thoughts wander back. You never really leave the past behind -- you take them with you everywhere you go and it changes you.
And that's how your demons are born. In my case, I had issues with people getting too close.
So here I am. I laugh my ass off half the time, very outgoing, love to explore and have the most amazing friends and family. But somehow, my open-mindedness does not mean I have an open heart. Whatever I choose to show, they get exposed so much that they get sun burnt, but I keep everything else expertly hidden away. It makes for a disgustingly uneven tan.
Realizing that now, I've decided to try being more receptive and to give more back, especially to the people that matter to me. I wanted a whole new blog to do this, but decided I'm too attached to this one.
Are you still reading?
Thank you. You'll hear a little more from me from now on.